I don’t procrastinate in a casual way, I consciously choose to do it to avoid facing work. You may have noticed! I distract myself with lots of fun activities and experiences, that although are important for my general experience of Norwich and university, aren’t exactly getting me anywhere. If I am not occupied with an activity, I focus my mind on the computer, loosing myself in a unimportant, non-existing world of bloggers, Facebook, TV shows, films and other uselessness (I wish I could at least get myself doing productive procrastination like working out or reading books). I leave work to the very last minute, although I am constantly thinking about it the entire time. Why? I never feel good enough, I feel like my work is always rubbish, people will judge me on it and my future depends on it, and that is all too scary to confront. I particularly hate how some pieces of work for some reason should count for almost the entire module. For me it is mental torture! If I do badly at it, should I just stop bothering for the rest of the year? I thought after a year of experiencing and getting familar with it all I would have settled inn and it all would go much smoother, but it hasn’t. I feel the anxiety of work creeping on me again. I know it’s all just in my head, but it feels way too real to ignore it.
I am trying to motivate myself with the future prospect of studying in Australia, visiting Africa and whatever else exciting heads my way as a result of my work. But what at the end of it all? I choose subjects I find interesting and fun, but what if it results in a collection of useless subjects that won’t result in a job? Does a job interviewer in Norway really care if I did a project in Africa? Doubt it.
Bleh. So a lot is going through my mind lately, and I have been feeling a bit depressed about it all. I know what is wrong and what should change, but I have an incapability of doing anything about it. I over think everything, and I lock myself in negative thoughts and get into an evil circle of uselessness. If I am not stressing about work, my asshole ex boyfriend gets to haunt my heart and thoughts on way too many occasions too. 7 months and no word from him. He just gave up. Refused to let me have my closure. Refused to let me exist. It’s like he is holding me from moving on, on purpose, and it all makes me feel like I don’t matter.
Self esteem, please get your act together.