I am really really depressed. I don’t know what to do. 2014 has been filled with so much great, but it all seems to constantly be overshadowed by the constant tons of weight in my mind, spinning around and making me feel lifeless, useless and pointless. A person crushed my heart in 2014, and that is all 2014 has been about. Him. The build up to the break up, the break up, and the depression that followed. Depression and frustration aggravated by the hurtful behaviour he showed towards me after he decided to run. I didn’t deserve that. I still don’t. I don’t deserve to be dumped and then crushed and held down. He ran, and I feel like I am standing out in the cold, alone and confused, with no answers and left to carry our burden. I feel trapped, I can’t break out of this horrible circle of denial and not having had my own closure. I want it. I don’t want to love him any more. He doesn’t deserve it. The person he is now, I hate. He is horrible. He is a coward. I am in a nightmare where I scream and scream for help, but the only thing that comes out of my mouth is silence. I feel like my soul and insides are being crushed and suppressed. I feel claustrophobic and trapped. He broke my chest. I want to breath. I want to be able to sleep at night without lying there and telling myself it was my fault and point out all that I hate about myself and was probably the reason why everyone seems to leave me. I don’t want to hate myself any more. I don’t want to wake up and wish I wasn’t me. I don’t want to feel like I am not worth anything. I want to be able to fall in love with someone else. I want to trust. I don’t want to be the hostile, aggressive person I now act to be so to not get hurt. Please 2015. Don’t be about him. Please.. I want my life back.