Love

I am really really depressed. I don’t know what to do. 2014 has been filled with so much great, but it all seems to constantly be overshadowed by the constant tons of weight in my mind, spinning around and making me feel lifeless, useless and pointless. A person crushed my heart in 2014, and that is all 2014 has been about. Him. The build up to the break up, the break up, and the depression that followed. Depression and frustration aggravated by the hurtful behaviour he showed towards me after he decided to run. I didn’t deserve that. I still don’t. I don’t deserve to be dumped and then crushed and held down. He ran, and I feel like I am standing out in the cold, alone and confused, with no answers and left to carry our burden. I feel trapped, I can’t break out of this horrible circle of denial and not having had my own closure. I want it. I don’t want to love him any more. He doesn’t deserve it. The person he is now, I hate. He is horrible. He is a coward. I am in a nightmare where I scream and scream for help, but the only thing that comes out of my mouth is silence. I feel like my soul and insides are being crushed and suppressed. I feel claustrophobic and trapped. He broke my chest. I want to breath. I want to be able to sleep at night without lying there and telling myself it was my fault and point out all that I hate about myself and was probably the reason why everyone seems to leave me. I don’t want to hate myself any more. I don’t want to wake up and wish I wasn’t me. I don’t want to feel like I am not worth anything. I want to be able to fall in love with someone else. I want to trust. I don’t want to be the hostile, aggressive person I now act to be so to not get hurt. Please 2015. Don’t be about him. Please.. I want my life back.

Broke my chest from Eleanor Charnock on Vimeo.

2 thoughts on “Love

  1. Huff, det høres forferdelig ut. Ingen fortjener å bli behandlet sånn 😦 Jeg har opplevd å bli forlatt selv (for en annen), og det var på ingen måter gøy. Jeg sliter fortsatt med å stole på menn, men det har heldigvis blitt bedre (og nå har jeg jo funnet en ny fantastisk type). Og det blir bedre, ikke vær redd for det. Personer som behandler andre slik han har gjort med deg fortjener ikke tankene våre. De fortjener ingenting annet enn å bli glemt. Å føle seg ubetydelige. Det er nok vanskelig, men det beste for din egen del er å få han ut av tankene dine, starte fresh og fokusere på hvilken herlig person du selv er. Du fortjener mye bedre, og du kommer absolutt til å få det mye bedre etter hvert. Ha trua på det!

    • Tusen takk for så fine ord og omtanke ❤ Betyr mye å høre det! Leit å høre hva som har skjedd deg også 😦 Jeg vet det må bli bedre, men så føles det så langt unna, og det er veldig frustrerende!

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