Right so not sure the angle of this post is quite yet, if I am just gonna complain or if there actually is a point to this. Actually, I do know what my point is, I just don’t know how to start. Basically, THIS (academic year abroad) year is when I get into shape. I decided this was going to be my main goal for my year abroad ages ago, but I just need to remind myself again through this post as I feel like I have started to slip and am not taking it too seriously right now. I want and need to get into shape and loose all the hideous weight I have gained the last three years.
The only photos ever taken of me where I actually think I look Ok.
In 2012 I was in shape. I wasn’t the skinniest or the muscliest, but I was in decent form. I could lift weights at the group gym class, could jog round one of my local lakes and could get into a bikini suit without wanting to cry. Although even then, I remember not feeling comfortable in my own skin. Ahh yes, the familiar issue of low (bar-none) self asteem and body loathing. I realize I am not the only one in the world, and I could probably point to a number of things to blame this attitude towards myself like the media, society and blablabla, but the fact of the matter is, I hate my body. Seriously. I literally hate it. If I would to describe everything about my body I hated, there would not be an inch left un-described. It has got to the point now where I feel uncomfortable going for a shower and looking down, or seeing myself in the mirror. Fat and stretch marks… mmmm yummy. Mostly now I just try to avoid seeing myself totally, but I still can’t avoid it. I feel it when I try on clothes and the shops don’t even do my sizes, I cringe everytime photos of myself pop up on my Facebook wall, I painfully feel it when I wear dresses and my thighs rub together until they bleed (NO… effin… joke), and I know it when I sit on the sofa or lie in bed and the lovely crinkles of fat fold on top of each other. All day I am constantly reminded of it. My BMI is depressing and weighing myself isn’t an option anymore, I am too scared to see what it is, cause since 2012 it has steadily gone up. Last time I checked I was 20 kg more than I was in 2012. And I certainly not done any upwards growing to put it like that.
I did this to myself, and it makes me angry! Well let’s see. Where has it all come from? I will argue that major contributing factors to this are as follows: a car, alcohol, fast food and university. University has been a rollercoster journey, and for parts of it, it has been tough. I get myself worked up about work to the point of madly stressed, and food was a nice resort to comfort. A long distance relationship and the hideous break up that followed really hit me hard too.. Heartbreak makes made me an emotional eater, and anti depressants increased my appetite even more so. Learning to make healthy food and appropriate sized portions has also been part of that learning curve since university started too, and something I still haven’t mastered. In retrospect though, how unique does my situation sound? Not at all. I know tons of people who have a car, go to uni, drink and have gone through break ups. How is it that they manage it, yet I have failed in epic proportions?
Another throwback when shorts weren’t painful to wear.
Well no more. I want to be able to walk into the room an not feel like the ugliest one there, try on clothes and have fun, and walk in shorts and feel no pain. I want to go on holiday with my two best friends and feel like we are three sexy babes on the beach, and not just two and “the funny one”. This isn’t a new year’s resolution type of determination. This is a new life resolution. I know this isn’t the first line of posts like this (e.g. this one, this one and this one), but I hope and pray this is the final one I will ever write. I am so sick of trying and trying, but still not getting it right and slipping up to return to bad bad habits. If I can’t sort my life out this year, with it only being a pass and such great opportunities for working out and eating well, I never will. My plan is running 5 km in the gym and doing an hour swimming once a week (atm I am only doing about 40 min, cause I don’t quite have the energy for a full 60 min, but working my way up), as well as doing a hike each Sunday (or another similar activity). My first goal is to loose the weight, before maybe incorporating some more toning exercises when I am satisfied with the loss. I have also decided I am done with drinking for a while, and making only three meals a week with meat. Portion sizes are going to be cut down to the minimal too and sleep patterns are going to be healthy. This is not something I have suddenly decided right this second and won’t be able to keep up btw, I have been easing my way into this for a couple of weeks now, as well as on and off during my last semester of second year. Any tips, suggestions and support, bring em at me!
Wish me luck.