I’ve tried to have relationships work over long distance, as you all know. It didn’t work out, as you also well know. I went into it with such naivity, and after two serious attempts I had to say stop. I vowed to never put myself in that position again. Me and long distance relationships officially broke up, and have remained that way ever since. I’ve come to realise If there’s one thing that you sacrifice to study abroad it’s the opportunity to find love. I know some people do manage it, but honestly it’s the minimum few. Now when I meet people who tell me they are about to commit to long distance relationships over long time-frames I can’t help but silently judge them and feel pity on them. They’ll learn, I think to myself, as I bitterly recall my disastrous attempts.
I’ve definitely grown since my attempts, but still I know of myself that I don’t have the emotional strength to ever try it again, even now when I am more mature. Because of this, the idea of meeting someone in the wrong place has made me scared. It’s hard to find love when you’re jumping between two countries. At one point I was between three.
Everyone tells you to be single is the best thing ever, and to not want to find love. A watched pot never boils, they say. You shouldn’t even be pouring the water into the pot, it’s desperate. So I find myself looking down on the floor on the bus, listening to music through my headphones in public, and sticking to my girlfriends in clubs. I’ve noticed that it’s always the people in relationships who are so outspoken about how you need to “just let it happen when it happens” like they all found their significant other by random chance with no effort like in a Disney movie. It makes me a bit angry. Just be you, apparently. Then fate will give you love when the time is right, I’ve heard. Don’t try. Be the independent Beyonce inspired woman who doesn’t need anyone, yet also be the sleeping beauty who waits pathetically around for her hero to come find her.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being single. You learn so much about yourself. You learn to compliment yourself (or at least try), to take care of yourself and to find your own company safe and entertaining. Yet still, it’s terribly lonely. Everyone assumes because you want to find love, you can’t be loving yourself. But what if you have become comfortable with yourself, yet find yourself just…. feeling like you are missing out on something bigger.
Maybe this will all change when my home address becomes more permanent.